jessicahume:

Home is…
Denton, Texas
Lately, I’ve been having a pretty sizable amount of anxiety,and while some of it is legitimate, other parts of the anxietyare definitely fueled from some life decisions I am facing at thispoint. Questions like “What am I doing?” and “Where do I go from here?”have been tossed around in my brain, quite a bit the last month or so.Along with dealing with some emotional issues that I’ve just been sweepingaside for a little too long.
I found this quote that I wrote down and double exposed (in camera) overa self portrait, that I feel is a fairly decent representative of me at the end of each day, once the adrenaline and caffeine have worn off and I have beenfeeling just plain, worn down.
Luckily, I’m taking a vacation starting tomorrow evening, and hopefullygetting recharged to deal with these decisions.

jessicahume:

Home is…

Denton, Texas

Lately, I’ve been having a pretty sizable amount of anxiety,
and while some of it is legitimate, other parts of the anxiety
are definitely fueled from some life decisions I am facing at this
point.

Questions like “What am I doing?” and “Where do I go from here?”
have been tossed around in my brain, quite a bit the last month or so.
Along with dealing with some emotional issues that I’ve just been sweeping
aside for a little too long.

I found this quote that I wrote down and double exposed (in camera) over
a self portrait, that I feel is a fairly decent representative of me at the end of
each day, once the adrenaline and caffeine have worn off and I have been
feeling just plain, worn down.

Luckily, I’m taking a vacation starting tomorrow evening, and hopefully
getting recharged to deal with these decisions.

This kid, in my class today… This fuckin 19 year old kid tried to explain to me today, that, because I am not in love with somebody, no matter what I do. I could not possibly be completely happy. That I, a human not currently in love with another human, could not fathom what he even means, when he says the word “happy.” To this, I explained to him that, “finding love” is not a priority right now. Him:”So you don’t believe in true love” he said. Me:”No, I didn’t say I didn’t believe in true love, I simply am not trying to force it to happen. I have other things I want to do.”Him:”Like what?”Me: “Like travel, I want to go places and see things and discover the world.”Him:”What does any of that mean if you’re not in love?”Which has had me thinking… There are a few choice moments in my life that immediately come to mind about times that I have felt truly happy.

Sitting on the shore of Lake Michigan, while visiting my home townfor the first time in 13 years.Laying on the sand dunes at White Sands National Monument, watching sunset and then moonrise.

Standing in pitch black darkness in the Yukon, surrounded by pine trees and seeing The Northern Lights overhead.Swimming through a waterfall, on a hiking trip and feeling that in thosefew moments nothing else mattered.


Now don’t get me wrong, I had people around me in all those moments butnone that I was in love with and I don’t think it’s made those moments any less significant. It was just amazing to me, that this is the way this kidthinks, because I don’t think he is the only one. My greatest wish for everysingle person, would be that they all under stood that you don’t need to bein love to be a complete person, or for the wonderful adventures you haveto count.

This kid, in my class today… This fuckin 19 year old kid tried to explain to me today, that, because I am not in love with somebody, no matter what I do. I could not possibly be completely happy. That I, a human not currently in love with another human, could not fathom what he even means, when he says the word “happy.” To this, I explained to him that, “finding love” is not a priority right now.
Him:”So you don’t believe in true love” he said.

Me:”No, I didn’t say I didn’t believe in true love, I simply am not trying to force it to happen. I have other things I want to do.”

Him:”Like what?”

Me: “Like travel, I want to go places and see things and discover the world.”

Him:”What does any of that mean if you’re not in love?”

Which has had me thinking… There are a few choice moments in my life that immediately come to mind about times that I have felt truly happy.

Sitting on the shore of Lake Michigan, while visiting my home town
for the first time in 13 years.

Laying on the sand dunes at White Sands National Monument, watching sunset and then moonrise.

Standing in pitch black darkness in the Yukon, surrounded by pine trees and seeing The Northern Lights overhead.

Swimming through a waterfall, on a hiking trip and feeling that in those
few moments nothing else mattered.

Now don’t get me wrong, I had people around me in all those moments but
none that I was in love with and I don’t think it’s made those moments
any less significant. It was just amazing to me, that this is the way this kid
thinks, because I don’t think he is the only one. My greatest wish for every
single person, would be that they all under stood that you don’t need to be
in love to be a complete person, or for the wonderful adventures you have
to count.

(Source: shouwa, via satsukijpg)

There just come these points in my life where I feel stagnant,

I feel like I need to change, or find something new.

I’ve been thinking that maybe… I just need to stop thinking so much.

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You either need to completely disappear or just come back.

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It’s kind of terrifying getting back into doing something that, once,
almost drove me away from doing something I love.

This time around though, I think it’ll be beneficial and would
really help me as a person.

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Trying to plan out the next year of my life… academically anyways.

This is stressful because the only thing between me and where I want to
be is hard work, money, and time.

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Today has been full of completing all the errands, I never have time for because I work so much.

Also, it’s been full of watching National Geographic documentaries on all the places I want to travel to remedy the fact that I’m saving all my money
for moving next month and I’ve got a sprained ankle from a recent hiking expedition.


Thus far I’ve watch docs of Alaska, Yellowstone, Lewis and Clark, a “Best of Nat Geo,” and now currently Yosemite.

I edited and posted the decent photos from my trip to Amarillo three weeks ago, to my flickr.

It’s just becoming more and more apparent to me I need to find a way to both work and travel simultaneously.

"I feel more like a stranger, each time I come home."

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So I’ve been having a hard time dealing with some decisions in my life,
and the majority of my friends haven’t even began to try to ask me
"Are you okay?" or "What is wrong?" When we’re together, we have
short, meaningless, passive conversation, and I end up feeling
like I shouldn’t even been there in the first place which brings me
back to the decisions I’m dealing with, and the main one is that…
I have been feeling like I shouldn’t be doing what I am doing anymore,
the problem is I am trying to figure out what exactly it is I am
supposed to be doing?

It’s hard to want to leave the people you love, even when I feel
like they have already left me.

Once when I was about five, this boy, who was my best friend, looked me straight in the eye and said “I really like you.” In reflection, I realize that it was then for the first time, I felt the beautiful french doors, neatly trimmed, and inlayed with carefully arranged stained glass windows, that rested on strong golden hinges, that guarded the entry to my heart, had swung open, wide and unyielding. He handed me a piece of paper which I opened as he said “Haha Nooooooot” and the paper was blank. I had no idea what I had done to warrant that treatment. This interaction has remained the template for every attempt at a relationship since. Each time I wait a little longer and it gets a little harder to open those doors, as the rust sets in the hinges and the ivy grows over the windows, yet for whatever reason I still struggle against every better judgment to just stay inside. I just hope I don’t settle for the desolation of these walls, and that, some day, I make it to the porch.

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