You either need to completely disappear or just come back.
23. Texas. Photographer.
I'm not a writer
but I like to write.
It’s kind of terrifying getting back into doing something that, once,
almost drove me away from doing something I love.
This time around though, I think it’ll be beneficial and would
really help me as a person.
Today has been full of completing all the errands, I never have time for because I work so much.
Also, it’s been full of watching National Geographic documentaries on all the places I want to travel to remedy the fact that I’m saving all my money
for moving next month and I’ve got a sprained ankle from a recent hiking expedition.
Thus far I’ve watch docs of Alaska, Yellowstone, Lewis and Clark, a “Best of Nat Geo,” and now currently Yosemite.
I edited and posted the decent photos from my trip to Amarillo three weeks ago, to my flickr.
It’s just becoming more and more apparent to me I need to find a way to both work and travel simultaneously.
So I’ve been having a hard time dealing with some decisions in my life,
and the majority of my friends haven’t even began to try to ask me
"Are you okay?" or "What is wrong?" When we’re together, we have
short, meaningless, passive conversation, and I end up feeling
like I shouldn’t even been there in the first place which brings me
back to the decisions I’m dealing with, and the main one is that…
I have been feeling like I shouldn’t be doing what I am doing anymore,
the problem is I am trying to figure out what exactly it is I am
supposed to be doing?
It’s hard to want to leave the people you love, even when I feel
like they have already left me.
Once when I was about five, this boy, who was my best friend, looked me straight in the eye and said “I really like you.” In reflection, I realize that it was then for the first time, I felt the beautiful french doors, neatly trimmed, and inlayed with carefully arranged stained glass windows, that rested on strong golden hinges, that guarded the entry to my heart, had swung open, wide and unyielding. He handed me a piece of paper which I opened as he said “Haha Nooooooot” and the paper was blank. I had no idea what I had done to warrant that treatment. This interaction has remained the template for every attempt at a relationship since. Each time I wait a little longer and it gets a little harder to open those doors, as the rust sets in the hinges and the ivy grows over the windows, yet for whatever reason I still struggle against every better judgment to just stay inside. I just hope I don’t settle for the desolation of these walls, and that, some day, I make it to the porch.
do you ever just see your friends getting really close with other people and you can just feel yourself slowly becoming less important to them and you get this really deep ache in your heart and everything just hurts
All the time lately.
Moving on, it’s really a weird feeling, to consider having feelings
for someone else. To consider the fact that I might be falling “out
of love” with you. To consider more about another man besides
"Oh, he’s attractive" but then there you are seated in the back of
my mind. You’re seat is empty but your memory still remains.
It’s also a weird feeling to realize that someone might actually be
wanting to take the time to get to know me, see what I’m like
as a person and not just use me as a segway to the next person
they really care for.
It’s weird to feel like I did before all of this, before I met you.